Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
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You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
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And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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