If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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