you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
