you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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