I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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