Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
