I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
