I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize