It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
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I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
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I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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