We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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