My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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