Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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