I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I want to be your penis for a week.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
