i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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