just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
