when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
