After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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