Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
