I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
