I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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