if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize