Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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