Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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