I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
