I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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