my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
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Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
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She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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