I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
