If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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