Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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