oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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