the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
