Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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