Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
