I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
