let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
