If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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