i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
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I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
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It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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