if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
