my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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