I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
ttyl tear gas
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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