Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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