I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
