His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
