she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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