just come out here and I will go home with you...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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