I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
