i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
