Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he had hair everywhere except his balls
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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