are you so shy because you have an std?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
