47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
