After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
