If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
